i did my best to create a design that had some feeling of being harmonious and considerate of the architecture. while doing something futuristic and risky on the house. >> so took him about four weeks to create it and now there's no missing it. all right. thumbs up or down? >> thumbs up but artistically i just don't have that kind of vision toe props to him. >> props to him. thanks for watching. colbert is next. >> ethel wants you to know that it's new ipads are carrying all sorts of tools but the way it went about showing that is not getting rave reviews from

the audience. >> we see creative objects being crushed to form the device. it hits the wrong note. mix that was not apple's only commercial that sparked controversy. >> your mom, your dad, your sister. all of your best friends from college, and your grandmother. what if you could fit them all into one device. the new ipad probe. the thinnest graveyard yet. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight... dan daniels. and ryan gosling takes the colbert questionnaire. stephen welcomes desi lydic,

featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you are very kind. welcome, one and all to what we call "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. today, at the manhattan district courthouse, stormy daniels took the stand for the second time to face cross-examination from trump's attorneys, who did everything in their power to discredit daniels. but this was not her first rodeo. and they would've know that if

they'd seen her movie, "my third rodeo." it is very good. it is part of a series. in their cross-examination of stormy, trump's lawyers had one goal -- portray her as a money-grubbing, sleazy, dishonest operator, by attacking her social-media posts and merchandise sales. and for more on why it's so wrong to be a sleazy, money-grubbing merch-seller, buy my "god bless america donald trump bible," which i've updated to include a sexy new take on lots' wife. let's just say it gets more than a little salty. the main person doing the grilling was trump attorney and therapist trying to make it through another one of your dumb stories, susan necheles.

necheles really tried to throw stormy off, suggesting that as a porn star, stormy had experience with "phony stories about sex," to which stormy responded that the sex in such films is "very much real," and if the story of her night with trump had been made up, "i would have written it to be a lot better." [cheers and applause] damn. so, in addition to hearing about it, the jury got to see her spank him in real time! for years, stormy was bound by an nda and couldn't talk about her time with trump, and necheles went after her for eventually breaking her silence, saying, "even though you had agreed you would not discuss this story, you then decided that you wanted to publicly say that you had sex with donald trump." stormy's response, "no, nobody would ever want to publicly say that."

it's true -- no one wants to admit having sex with donald trump. that's why, on don jr.'s birth certificate, the father is listed as "no comment." for weeks now, trump's been whining that his trial has kept him from doing the important work of campaigning for president. so naturally, yesterday, on his day off from court, he hosted a dinner at mar-a-lago for buyers of his nft trading cards. aww, he had his own little comic-con. the last time an ex-president did that was when jimmy carter had a carnival booth where he'd sign your peanut. now to remind you, a while back, trump sold nft's with stirringly stupid images of him doing things like hangin' out in space

with a fire lion, holding a guitar in a totally normal way, and grilling burgers for a dog that kristi noem will later shoot. and this nft dinner was a special event for supporters who bought at least 47 trump nft's at 99 bucks a pop. if you do the math, that means these people spent at least $4653 on jpegs of trump. for that kind of cash, you could buy a kool-more km-vmnt snack vending machine with a credit card reader and bill acceptor! and you'd still have $54 left for doritos and skittles, which coincidentally were the entrees at trump's dinner. [laughter] some attendees also received physical cards with pieces of the suit and the tie that trump was wearing when he was arrested. the suit was already in scraps, because that's just how trump gets undressed. just cut me out. release my flesh from this

poly-blend prison. jaws of life! trump's not the only one making a fool of trump. this week, the biden campaign used a kendrick lamar diss track to attack trump's policies. possibly the most scathing use of hip hop by a u.s. president since this immortal speech by fdr. >> the only thing we have to fear is rats in the front room, roaches in the back, junkies in the alley with a baseball bat. don't push me because i'm close to the edge. i'm trying not to lose my head. it's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how i keep from going under. >> stephen: that's why they called him grand master frank. that is how he beat hitler.

over on capitol hill last night, house speaker mike johnson easily survived a vote to oust him, thanks to 163 democrats voting to protect him. and to thank them, mike rubbed his johnson all over voting rights by introducing a so-called "election integrity bill" aimed at keeping non-citizens from voting. though he did identify one minor flaw with his proposed legislation. >> some have noted it is already a crime for noncitizens to vote in a federal election and that is true. >> stephen: so, it's already a law. kinda redundant. like god's first draft of the ten commandments. one, thou shalt not kill. two, thou shalt not murder. three, thou shalt not push someone down an elevator shaft. four, seriously guys, enough with the murdering! not only is it already illegal, it's also not happening. in fact, research has long shown that noncitizen voting is exceedingly rare. yeah, have you seen voter turnout? citizen voting -- also exceedingly rare. so, reporters asked johnson

-- rare, voting citizens. so, reporters asked johnson about that. >> are you saying noncitizens are voting in federal elections? >> it is unanswerable. >> stephen: are you the speaker of the house or a magic eight ball? i got some disturbing news about cbs's parent company, paramount. it's for sale, and if sony entertainment and the finance group apollo acquire paramount, they plan to break it up. no! you can't break up paramount! it's a mountain of entertanment, not several loose piles of amusements. the plan would include auctioning off cable channels like mtv and the paramount plus streaming service, as well as cbs.

ok, i'll start the bidding at one dollar. do i hear two dollars? no? i own cbs. first order of business, i'm giving myself a vacation. goodbye. [cheers and applause] i've been informed that i do not own cbs and that the ed sullivan theater is being converted into a dollar general. of course, the biggest story in politics is still yesterday's bombshell -- brain worms! specifically, independent candidate rfk, jr. admitting that "a worm got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died." it's the most shocking political revelation since ross perot's campaign slogan -- "there's a leech in my butt that controls my thoughts." now, i talked about this

yesterday and i was prepared to let dead brain worms lie. but now rfk, jr. has responded, and as you might imagine, his response is not as sharp as it might've been before the worm got snacky. because late yesterday, he tweeted -- i offer to eat 5 more brain worms and still beat president trump and president biden in a debate. oh, bobby. you clearly don't understand how this works. you don't eat the worms. the worms eat you. but rfk, jr. is so worm-hungry, [cheers and applause] he's already made a new campaign ad. >> rfk jr. has the courage to lead, has a vision for america and has a worm in his head that ate part of his brain and died. while most would be weary of a

brain eating worm, he is promising to eat five more probably because the part of the brain that would tell him that is a bad idea was eaten by the first worm. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. from "the daily show," desi lydic is here! and ryan gosling takes the colbert questionnaire. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert," sponsored by... liberty mutual insurance. only pay for what you need.

>> ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: give it up for the band. the greatest band on late night, on television, of all time. coming up, we have one of the

anchors at the daily show, desi desi lydic will be out in just a moment. a very funny young woman, and mr. ryan gosling will be taking the call bear her. he is pretty cute doing it. if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time in the news workshop mixing the most topical story clay to remove impurities, then i shape coils to form a sleek body and flute the joints with a slip and add figural motifs before a three-stage kiln firing to create for you the stunning, yet timeless, panathenaic amphora that is my monologue. but sometimes, i accidentally lock myself in a tool shed for 9 days, where i'm forced to rig the discarded float bulb from a septic tank to the ceiling to catch roof runoff and punch a hole in the bottom with a rusty hand auger to drink from the shut-in's scruffle jug of news that is my segment, "meanwhile."

[cheers and applause] catch the meanwhile fever. meanwhile, in new vodka news -- there is one. it's called shooting star vodka and it's made by infusing its brew with a meteorite that was discovered in 1977. not sure how it'll taste but it does give drivers a unique excuse when they get pulled over. officer. i am not drunk. i will have you know -- i have space madness! meanwhile, yesterday, the meanwhile, according to a new study, high levels of -- ultra-processed foods are linked with early death and subjects who ate large amounts of processed meats, sugary breakfast foods, and sugar were more likely to die prematurely. well, thank goodness for this study. we weren't quite sure whether pounding cured ham and fudge was bad for your health.

i look forward to the next study -- fork in toaster linked to reduced aliveness. the study noted that participants who consumed the most -- averaging seven servings of these foods per day or more -- had a slightly higher risk of dying early. wait. you're telling me that science says seven cinnabons, or more, a day, with only a slightly higher risk? was this study authored by dr. me? meanwhile, cold stone creamery is being sued over its pistachio ice-cream cuz it's made with no pistachios. that is outrageous. and i would like to take this opportunity to inform consumers that every pint of stephen colbert's americone dream is at

least 7% stephen colbert. i wanted a higher percentage of stephen colbert, but ben and jerry rejected my original idea, stephen colbert's "toe say can you see." meanwhile, boeing. the number one reason you're lookin' over that in-flight safety card again. it's been a rough year for boeing, from holes poppin' open, to wheels falling to the ground, to engines catching on fire. well, the hits keep coming, and everyone's okay, but yesterday, another boeing plane narrowly avoided disaster after a landing gear failure. here's footage. fun fact -- that is the gentlest fedex has ever delivered a package. and since the making planes thing is going so well, they decided to branch out into

spaceships. since 2014, they've been working with nasa to develop the starliner spacecraft. which was supposed to launch this week, but the starliner's launch was scrubbed over concerns about an oxygen relief valve. oxygen relief valve -- a technical term boeing uses for the door. [applause] meanwhile, apple has confirmed a bug that is keeping some iphone alarms from sounding and an issue causing some iphone alarms to not play the expected sound. it's subtle, but see if you can hear what customers are complaining ab we'll be right back with ryan gosling.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: we are back here with ryan gosling. it is lovely to have you on and since we are both ken's now, we have a brotherhood.

i know exactly what you are thinking and feeling and i agree. >> and i am not confused. >> even when you are brothers like we are, there are times when you are like, i wish i knew this person better. we came up with a time-tested way of penetrating the bark of isolation we wrap around our hearts as human beings and getting to know and opening up that person to the world called the colbert questionert and i was wondering. >> like a dog, you just keep pulling the layers. >> stephen: you are the thing that needs to be loved. >> i spent so many years building them up to protect

little me. this is off to a good start. >> i see there is a little fear. do you have the courage to face the colbert questionert? >> yes. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: what is the best sandwich? >> ice cream. >> stephen: i see how this is going to go. >> you can have all the sandwiches in the world, but the ice cream sandwich comes out, decision is made for you. >> stephen: do you look around the edges? >> that is none of your business. [laughter] >> stephen: let's keep moving. what was your first concert? >> elvis perry.

>> stephen: who was that? >> my uncle perry. > >> stephen: who performed as elvis? was he good? >> he was amazing. the best i've ever seen. he put me in his acts. i gave out teddy bears during teddy bear. >> stephen: did you get paid? >> no. > >> stephen: what is the scariest animal? >> man. am i wrong? or the mosquito. kill more people than anything else. >> stephen: absolutely. i am letting that sink in. it has killed more people than any other creature on earth. apples or oranges?

>> that is tough. >> stephen: the colbert questionert takes no prisoners. >> oranges help with scurvy and i do not want that again. the apple, you can make a bong out of. >> stephen: have you ever asked someone for their autograph? >> yes. the first person was the ultimate warrior and he said no. the second person i asked, the first person to give it to me was angela bassett. >> stephen: that night, who was she rustling? >> i was 13 and had just seen what's love got to do with it, one of the best performances i have ever seen. the last person, she was at the

amc movie theater was sinbad. they were talking. the last person i got was jim jay bullock. for ava. she is a big fan. >> stephen: what you think happens when we die? >> we wake up. [laughter] >> stephen: i am not here to question your cosmology. favorite action movie? cannot say "the fall guy." >> this is not the best one, but it was called no retreat, no surrender. bruce lee was teaching this kid how to fight bullies. i thought i can only happen in movies and it made me love movies because you can only do

things in movies. >> stephen: you identified with the kid? >> rambo. first blood. he just wanted a cup of coffee. they made him be rambo. they forced him to be rambo. he did not want to be rambo. he just wanted a cup of coffee but he had long hair and had to get out of town. don't make me tie the headband. >> stephen: window or aisle? >> exit row. these days. i want to have control over that that. window, exit row. >> stephen: 's favorite smell. >> it is hard not to give it to

flowers. i want to say dogs' pause. they have a -- they smell like nachos or popcorn. >> stephen: what are you feeding your dogs? >> least favorite smell? >> i should have said flowers and then i would safely for water. ironically, it is the antithesis of what it is producing. did you ever have a motorola razr phone. they had the smelliest keypad. >> stephen: really? that is where your mouth is breathing on it. >> i tested others. it was an amazing phone.

what is that? >> stephen: why can't the smell like my dog? earliest memory? >> my mom used to bake cakes as a side hustle and i remember one morning waking up to the smell of a baked cake and she made this wedding cake and she plugged it in and this waterfall came down it and she had built a motor into it and there was water falling down the cake and i remember thinking, my mom is pretty cool. [applause] >> stephen: cats or dogs? >> i can't. both. you want to live with a cat but you want to hang out with a dog. >> stephen: and you live with

the cat because if you are not hanging out with the cat -- >> they are great company. >> stephen: they don't make a lot of noise, they know where to. >> exactly. the purring is nice. >> stephen: if you don't move much and you are warm, they will sit on you. did you have a terrible roommate when you are a young guy trying to make it or were you the terrible roommate? if you only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. what is it? >> push it by salt and pepper. it hasn't gotten old yet. and it is great life advice. >> stephen: keep it simple. >> whatever it is. push it. and whatever it is, push it really good.

[laughter] >> stephen: what number am i thinking of? it is not pie. >> two. >> stephen: no. >> you are thinking it right n now. >> stephen: described the rest of your life in five words. >> run it by eva first. ry >> stephen: ryan goslin, the fall guy. we will be right back. with olay retinol body wash, 95% of women had visibly renewed skin. it makes my skin feel so smooth and moisturized.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. you know my next guests as one of the hosts of "the daily show show." please welcome dessie desi lydic. ♪ ♪ -- welcome dessie desi lydic.

>> nice digs. > >> stephen: lovely guest. you have been a correspondent on "the daily show" for a long time. what has the experience been like? >> the greatest job on the planet. it is so much fun. i was a huge fan of the show, watching you and wanting to do what you did. you have left a huge mark on the show. did you know this? >> stephen: you can have that steamed out. >> a lot of dry cleaning. you have the secret documents

that have been passed around. >> stephen: i was asked to give advice to rob riggle back in 2005. >> you broke this incredible document. it is a ten-point guideline on how to make a great field piece. >> stephen: field pieces -- how do you get the comedy when you are out there. you have to come back with it no matter what. >> you have to get the piece, you have to get a great interview. nobody tells you how to do the job, you just get thrown into it. >> stephen: go interview this man who lives with rattlesnakes. >> have fun. no security. you wrote this amazing rulebook and it has been passed around. >> stephen: did anything leap out to you that you remember? >> not one thing has come in

handy, not one single thing. we passed it on, jordan passed it to me, i passed it onto other correspondence. now that i am hosting the sh show -- >> stephen: it is a totally different gig. you correspondent for different years. what feels different? it is a totally different job. >> the way that i can describe it is it feels like you are a passenger in an airplane and suddenly someone tells you you need to jump into the cockpit and take the controls and you are building the plane in the air as you are flying. like boeing. [laughter] >> stephen: it is. a lot of discovery as you go along. >> i think that is how they do it now. >> stephen: what was your path to "the daily show"?

how did you get the gig? i work for abc news at the time. i had written for dana carvey, written for "snl," than i did not have a job and i was a correspondent for "good morning america" and i hated it. it was just to pay the rent and somebody called and said you should go see the daily show. i got the gig and found out i got the best gig in the world. >> it is. it is a little different now. i waited tables many years before getting this gig but i audition three times. i wanted it so badly. the third time i auditioned, you prepare a self tape, write your own peace and do a couple pieces they give you. >> stephen: by the time they got to you, they had standards. i walked in and said what is the show?

>> things changed and it became a coveted show to be part of because of your work on the show. it is true. >> stephen: you walked in and you nailed it. >> i submitted a tape and it was months before i heard anything back and i thought -- that is it, three times, no-go. six months later i got a call to come in and meet trevor noah and by the time i got that call, i was pregnant with my child and i thought -- this is my dream job, we are so excited to be expecting, do i tell them or not tell them, so i flew to new york, auditions, and i waited after to talk to the showrunner, producer of the show, and i told her, this is my dream job, i will be here tomorrow if asked, but i will be

starting the job pregnant and she was like, great, amazing, congratulations. we will use it on the show or we will not, whatever you want. and i have not left since. pretty cool. [applause] >> stephen: you were waiting tables before you got this gig? did you enjoy that? i did five years behind the apron. >> i did not enjoy it, but probably because i w was a terrible waitress. >> stephen: what did you do wrong? >> we had these intricate specials as part of every menu and i could never remember the specials. i would just make them up. >> stephen: you would make them up? what if they ordered them? >> i'm so sorry. we are out of that. it was so popular we could not keep up. >> stephen: if i put you on

the spot, i -- do you have specials tonight? >> i am so glad you asked. tonight we have a delightful veal shoulder with a peppercorn rub and a clementine, grassy tapenade. right. >> stephen: grassy tapenade? >> the under notes are very grassy. clementine reduction, and you are probably wondering what comes on the side. >> stephen: what do you have? >> we have a brie infused polenta dust. >> stephen: just the dust. >> it is the best part. you sprinkle that right at the table. >> stephen: you sprinkle the polenta. >> we just sprinkle it. >> stephen: i will take the

veal. >> you should hear about our desserts. my colleague stephen, would you tell the kind people about the desserts tonight? >> stephen: we have an espresso granita that is amazing and that is served over a thin slice of a pair tiramisu. it is caramelized pear and we always have cheesecake. >> always room for cheesecake. >> stephen: did you make money doing this? >> i did. it is a miracle. >> stephen: i loved being a waiter. i loved being slammed. i love the feeling of being busy. >> there is a rush. you just leave it all behind when you walk away. you just go home and leave it behind. >> stephen: at the end of the day, not when you quit and walk

out of the building. >> maybe that is part of the problem and why i was such a bad waitress. >> stephen: we have to take a break. we will be back with desi lydic. . yes-s-s! yes. yes! (mixed shouts, laughter) no. depend. the only thing stronger than us is you. to 50 years with my best friend. [sfx: gasp] [sfx: spilling sound] nooo... aya... quick, the quicker picker upper! bounty absorbs spills like a sponge. and is 2x more absorbent so you can use less. bounty, the quicker picker upper. if you spit blood when you brush, it could be the start of a domino effect. new parodontax active gum repair breath freshener.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: that is great. we are back with "the daily show" desi lydic.

you have to interview three or four people to talk about whatever the story is but as the host of the show, you have to have an honest conversation at the desk. what is that light, to be yourself, not the character, the correspondent, and talk to guests? >> that is something i had to wrap my mind around and get used to. as a correspondent, you are playing an arch character and you are taking swings at jokes and when you host a show, it is vulnerable. this is what i find funny with 20 genius comedy writers behind you and it feels vulnerable and you have to get comfortable with it. >> jon stewart is back there on mondays.

he is not here. let's talk frankly. he is a monster. >> terrible person. tyrants. >> stephen: have you worked with him before? and just. >> it is nearly impossible to retire. we get to benefit from that. >> stephen: there is a lot happening in the news now. there should be an election going on. >> i think so. >> stephen: it doesn't make news because you have the tromp trial, the middle east, the presidential campaign, the worm in the brain. what are you looking forward to talking about over there? >> the stormy trial has been incredible. the news has given up.

the fact they continue to call her stormy daniels, her porn name and not her real name, stephanie clifford. it would be like if tom hanks went on trial for something and they said taking the standards for forced. it is kind of weird. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. "the daily show" airs weeknights on comedy central. desi lydic, everybody. we will be right back. ♪ ♪

>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in next week when i'll be joined by steve carell, jennifer hudson, and george stephanopoulos. now stick around for taylor tomlinson. good night. ♪ ♪